Pictures are worth a thousand words.

Some pictures of my flowers.....as promised. Have a great Wednesday! I opted not to post the possum (opossum for Amanda) pics....too gruesome.

 Pink knockout rose

                                           Amaryllis

 Indian hawthorne and amaryllis

                                              Clematis

 White knockout

                                                 House front

 Hannah Rae bottle brush (only 3 years old- 12" tall when planted.)

                          Grapes on pergola (notice dead soldier on table).

 Grapes on pergola

  Grape clusters (stop sign hidden in picture for all you Waldo people.)

This is me with a rare cajun Tessie Rose flower.
It kisses you when you feed it with wine and crawfish.
Very fickle flower though.....

Does this make my butt look big?

Theresa loves to use her ass as the butt of jokes. Hips run in her family..... when she gets to her goal weight she will still have hips. That is the way God intended her. I like.
She always makes jokes about it, and she seems perfectly comfortable with her body design.

Until she's not.

We were going out to dance and eat crawfish Saturday night and she was struggling with her outfit which led to a "do I look fat in this meltdown".
This is how it went down:

Her: "Do you like the red top or the black one?"
Me: " I like the red one, it looks great."
Her: " No it doesn't....it makes my ass look big and shows my back fat!"
Me (calmly): "I disagree....I think you look great."
Her (frustration in her voice):  'These jeans are too tight aren't they? You would tell me wouldn't you?!"
Me (super calm voice): "I would tell you yes, but they are not too tight."
Her (verge of tears): "No you wouldn't! You say everything looks good! I need a better mirror dammit...why don't we have a full length mirror?! I need a full length lighted mirror so that I can see what I look like from behind! I hate my haircut!"
Me (still calm): "You can buy whatever mirror you like tomorrow....but our ride will be here in about 20 minutes....I'll wait for you outside on the deck. Love ya."
Her: "Fine John....fine."

She wore the black top and the jeans. We had a great time. She was happy to be out amongst her Cajun people and to eat some crawfish. Her butt looked good. Just a moment in time.
For all you significant others out there, take note of my deft handling of a potential nuclear situation....not my first rodeo friends..... not my first rodeo.

I had a very productive weekend. I worked my ass off in the yard and got it completed. That task is off my plate. My plants and flowers are in the middle of their springtime burst so I'll put some pics up tomorrow. I also hit a dead possum with my mower that was stuck in some bushes by one of my trees. Neighbors dog must have got him and I didn't see him until it was too late. Scared the shit outta me. Nasty. I'll put some pics up of that too.

For all you ladies who went to NYC....jealous. Can we see some more pics?

Have a great Tuesday! Y'all look great in whatever you are wearing today....take my word for it.

The Pied Piper.

My wife is the Pied Piper of gay men. Wherever she goes...... they follow. Maybe it's the theater thing....maybe it's just who she is as a person or her great taste with decorating....but 99.97% of the gay men in Louisiana love them some Theresa.

Let me clarify that I am totally cool with that. I am a super hetero but not homophobic whatsoever. In fact, I prefer to hang out with some of them over my guy friends (you know what I mean). They are always fun and the life of a lot of our parties.
My Mom managed a cosmetology school for years so I was introduced to this lifestyle as a kid.....she broke it down for me early. I am a staunch Republican too.....so let's just break down some stereotypes while we're at it!
Theresa says that every girl needs a gay man in her life. Based on my experiences I would say this is probably true. Never have there been greater self-esteem builders for Theresa....they know how to get her head all swole up. They use words like ravishing, fabulous, stunning, spectacular and divine. It's three times worse now because of her weight loss. Aye carumba!

How and the hell am I suppose to top that?

I mean seriously, they come over and bring rare flowers, candles, gifts and such! I fuss at them in private about setting the bar so high! They totally fuck up the grading curve for me. They are compliment whores....and I tell them about it........and they promptly get worse.

I think I will just have to resign myself to it. The competition is just too tough.

Have a great Friday and weekend! It is Lent...so I fully expect all of you to fast, swear off alcohol, meditate, and stay close to home this weekend.
Or, you could just blow that off..... show up for the last Mass on Easter..... and you should be good.

Papa's got a brand new Blog!

Like my new digs?
Thanks to the amazing Jen I now have a properly adjusted and cool looking blog. I especially like my signature picture which I just noticed this morning. Jen offered her help and I happily obliged....what a great job she did.
Thank you sweet Jen!
Just goes to show you that men cannot do some things that women can. I told her to just take care of it and gave her my password.....BAM! Done in a day. I couldn't have done that in a year. It reminded me of a conversation I had with Theresa when we were redecorating our house after Hurricane Rita....

Me: "I'm really not likin' the colors in this room....they just don't work."
Theresa: "When you get titties and a vagina you can pick out colors....go outside."
Me: "Yes ma'am."

House looks great.....lesson learned. It's all about knowing your limitations.

I was happy to read my wife's blog post yesterday. It really has been an amazing journey so far. She pointed out that she wasn't happy in last years photo so I challenged her and said...."Hey, we've been married 4 years girl....what's up with that?" She explained that the unhappiness was with herself and for the longest time it caused her to question most of the affection and love I had for her. Looking back....that really made sense...pretty enlightening information for me. Theresa can get up in front of a room and do a standup routine but wasn't self confident enough to truly accept things in a normal relationship as they were. Those days are gone. But what if you gained all the weight back now but the relationship didn't change? Would you revert back? Food for thought. Feel free to comment on that one.

I get motivated following the exercise routines and excitement of all of you who have the fitness bug. That is just a great place to be at. I am trying to get there myself. Thanks for the added incentive. Friday, Jen.... my on staff blog designer did a VLOG about her breakthrough with running and endurance. I thought she was going to pee on herself....endorphins are a powerful thing. Keep it up.

I thought that I was King of Plants, but apparently after reading some comments, some ladies are growing the passion flower near the arctic circle or something. I guess maybe I'm just "Court Jester of Plants". I'm glad y'all don't live in my 'hood....it would be ON.
Tina, the Bougainvillea has been selected by mother nature for extinction. That damn bitch of a plant is so fickle....it's the skinny bitch of flowers. What kind of plant STOPS flowering when you take care of it? Mandeville's aren't much better. Poison it! I've lost mine to minor cold snaps 2 years in a row. 

What is the best way to comment on somebody's comment so that they see it? Sorta like a Facebook thread or something? Advice would be appreciated.

The weekend draws nigh my friends.....keep pulling your cart...you will get there!

Springtime!

Yes, yes it is upon us. I love plants and horticulture in general, so this is a busy time for me. Mulching, fertilizing and generally fixin' up my landscape is what I have planned for this coming weekend. I take great pride in my Casa and I must be competitive with it....my neighbors suck ass at landscaping....I remind them of it whenever I get the chance. If they ask me for advice on growing plants....I secretly give them wrong or detrimental information. You can judge me if you want, but having the best manicured yard on the block requires hard decisions. It is not for the faint hearted. It is all about winning people. Nice guys have dead azaleas.
This picture above is a passion flower. I knicknamed it the Theresa flower because she is VERY passionate too! This vine only grows in very tropical climates...South American rainforest to be exact. I managed to get it to flourish here, AND helped it survive this winter. You could not do this...because I am King of Plants....plants love me more than you.....do not forget this.....it is written.

Here is something else I would love to enjoy this weekend...crawfish! It is the season, and I hope to boil or order out some crawfish this weekend if the prices have dropped a little bit. If you've never had them they are LapBand friendly, high in protein and generally just delicious. I like them heavily seasoned and super spicy with crab boil. As my wife always says when consuming them...."Don't touch your eye or your junk till you washed your hands six times or so." Better advice has never been given anywhere.

Speaking of junk....yesterday Theresa and I spent most of our time texting back and forth about a girl we know. She has a high profile job. She accidentally posted a picture of her freshly shaved howyacall to her Facebook wall. It was up for and hour or so.....got like 20 comments. She finally took it down and said that she had been hacked.....but it was sent from her Blackberry and it was definitely a cameraphone picture. Luckily, her face was not in it......I HOPE she was trying to send it to her husband!
Ahhhh...the perils of social media.

Take a moment today to think about or pray for the people of Japan if you already haven't. Once our mortal enemy, they now are one of our greatest allies.....I expect our help to them will lead all nations....as it should.

I'm Listening!

Skinny girls are overrated.

That's right...I said it.
Throughout the process of Lap Band surgery and subsequent weight loss with Theresa, I have frequently pondered the thought of being married to someone who will now be thin.
Been there, done that. Got my t-shirt cut up. (No seriously, one time she cut up my shirts in a screaming skinny bitch hissy fit.) Skinny girls are just mean!
If there is one thing I have discovered through trial and error.... it is that I love voluptuous women. I earnestly believe that emotionally, physically, and even spiritually that they are just better prepared for life. There are also other benefits that are very appealing to me....but this is not a porn blog so just take my word for it.
I try to live by one of the mantra's of the great philosopher Sir-Mix-Alot : "You can do side bends or sit-ups....but please don't lose that Butt." 
Here's another gem: "Cosmo says you're fat.....I ain't down with that."
These words of wisdom have served me very well to date.
I think a lot of men feel the same way I do. I was very attracted to my wife before any of that losing weight talk even started.....I bet your husbands and significant others would say the same.
I see some amazing transformations out there in the blogs I follow. Sometimes it's really hard to believe actually. I also have it going on right here at home with Theresa's success.
Soooo......as all of you turn into skin and bones, remember that cutting up people's shirts is NOT cool so pick a goal weight that will prevent this please.
Your husband's will thank me.

I'm Listening!

Negligent Blogger

I have been so busy and haven't been able to update. I committed to blogging regularly and in the immortal words of Matt Foley....I promise to "get back on the right track"!

Theresa has been full of cheer and comfortable with her band lately. Moving right along but I'm not sure what her weight loss total is at the moment...I think she should get one of those sliding scales on her blog...don't you? Please tell her this!
Here she is dancing on the float with me before the parade last night, brought to you by that little box of magic called the iPhone4:

I hope you enjoy the Cajun music......singing about stolen chickens and all. We both got drunk and had a great time despite a little rain. Like I said...Pearl the band is just fine with the white wine.I hope everyone has a great Wed-nes-day, I will blog in greater detail tonight.
Here is another video during the parade.....you get to be virtual bead throwers for a day!:

Cottage Cheese

I sure do. As I embark upon my weight loss plan I will be eating a lot of it. It's packed with all kinds of good stuff. I've been eating it since I was a kid, it was always around.
My Dad loved it. Well, he just loved food.  He grew up in a coal mining camp in the Depression, pretty much homeless and hungry. He liked to eat it with baked beans....that's just wrong. He would also regularly eat an entire, eye watering, yellow onion like an apple. He was a freak...but he was rail thin. It was probably the cottage cheese...which everyone knows was in abundant supply in the early 1900's labor camps.
There are many different forms of said cheese: Raygula (my cool way of saying regular), lowfat, non-fat, large curd, small curd, and pre-mixed with various shit.

I prefer small curd regular. I grew up in Amish country so I was born with the knowledge that the small curds are created by adding more rennet, a type of yeast that makes it curd. Curd is a flat out nasty word...right up there with some of my other hated words like smegma. Large curd lowfat is very watery and I dislike the texture. It is probably much like the curds and whey eaten by the now famous Little Miss Muffet. I am convinced that Little Miss Muffet was a coal mine town slut who used curds and whey to attract young hungry guys like my Dad into getting with her. Don't you even think for one minute that some of these nursery rhymes didn't have alternate meanings my friends!
I cannot eat my cottage cheese with anything sweet. No fruit, honey, sugar..whatever. No sweetness, it's nasty.
I like it with some Tony Chachere's on it, with a few crackers. Delicious.

Here above is the least desirable form of cottage cheese. No one likes this type.  This is actually Brittany Spears' brand...which is VERY expensive and EVERYBODY has tried it so it's no big deal. Don't waste your money. You can thank me for the tip later.
This has been a small trip inside of my brain. I hope everyone has a great Wednesday! I am earnestly working on the commentphobia...I made a comment on a blog yesterday. It was like 4 words.....baby steps.

I'm Listening!

Weekend Remix

TessieRose was great this weekend. She battled through her head cold and looked fantastic Saturday night as Dutchess Angelica XVIII. I was proud of her...and it was a special time. Tessie has been in the Krewe for 20 years, it was finally her time. I'm not sure about the name Angelica though......not really fitting. Perhaps Dutchess Savannah...or maybe Dutchess Pebbles. I also like Dutchess Skye......I won't get into the reasons these names would be more suited for her.....not appropriate for this blog and I don't kiss and tell.
I am formulating a plan to shed some pounds and get fit. I know what to do and am committed to executing and maintaining it. It's way overdue....not to mention summer is around the corner. Summer in Louisiana + extra weight on your ass= Misery. No thanks.
Blogging Update! I have been reading lots of your blogs lately.....I find them to be fascinating not just from the LapBand perspective but in general. What I find most interesting is the sense of who each person is through the written word. I have looked at a few Vlogs and been tickled that they were just like I thought they would be. I just find that to be cool....maybe I'm weird. I also have a commenting phobia. I have made a sum total of 2 comments...both on my wife's blog. No idea why. I currently have a favorite blogger....actually a top three list. I have ranked these based on several data sets using my training in Six Sigma methodology.....that's bullshit....their blog content and personalities just stand out. They are real.
Don't even ask......I'm not telling who they are.
On another note....yesterday morning as I was leaving for work I caught the youngest boy peeing outside on our trash cans. He was standing barefoot, in his school uniform, peeing out from the carport. Reason given: both bathrooms occupied and it was raining....didn't wanna get the feet wet. Now, I don't mind peeing outside in the grass, but not on moveable property?
Soooooo.........you guessed it. Full Metal Jacket.
Have a great day!

I'm Listening!