I think I will blog now.

Hey lap band land.....Big Daddy is back! Not that any of you really care....I'm the non-committal guy with the blog that never gets updated. Sorry...please don't hate.

Glad to see everyone had fun in Chicago. Theresa had a blast but was SO nervous leading up to travel day. I sprung for exit seats both ways on the plane because:

1. I love her.
2. She does better with leg room and nap room.
C. She pees alot.

Just braggin' about my husbandly efforts there....takin' credit of course!

I have been working alot so that I can afford my trophy wife but the work / life balance is outta wack. However, hunting season is now here and so that really is where my mind is these days. I have my crossbow all zeroed and I am prepared to put meat on the table!
October 22nd is the opening day for primitive rifle hunting here in Louisiana. Of course, you don't need to ask...I own a primitive rifle.
Now, to be primitive, the rifle must have ammunition and an action manufactured before 1900. So it's pretty much single shot, break open. It doesn't matter that the rifle is completely camouflage, is manufactured with high grade steel, has a composite stock for accuracy AND...wait for it...wait for it....a high powered scope mounted on top. Doesn't matter. No it doesn't. 1900 people....it's all about hunting ethics and not having an unfair advantage. I do not write the regulations.
I pretty much think about being in the woods 24/7 during this time of year. My fantastic wife is a cajun coon-ass who loves wild game and understands these important man things. She was raised around men and women who all lived this kind of lifestyle. For me, personally....it's heaven on earth. There is no bitching when I leave and excitement when I return. Kinda like being a cro-magnon leaving the cave.....but different.
However, there is pressure to not return empty handed. She can quickly turn into Holly Hunter in Raising Arizona when she wants Nick Cage to steal her a baby:  "Don't you come back here without a toddler!" 
Part of the culture I guess.

All the pictures from Chicago looked great. Y'all are a handsome bunch of women. I was amazed by the total weight loss at over 2 tons. Wow...that is truly amazing and everyone should be so proud of themselves. It's a hard goal met. You can't argue with math.

I will try to blog more....and follow too. Probably after the hunting season if history is any indication.

What's been up?

Howdy bloggers....I haven't done any blogging in weeks, haven't read any either. I've been busy, bored with it, and generally just not feelin' it. Please don't judge me....I'm a dude so I'm not real smart, and I can be non-committal on stuff like that and all. But I'm feeling bloggy this morning so what the heck.....

As everyone well knows by now.....we went to NOLA for a little weekend trip to see Read from My Trek Downward and it was just awesome. Theresa and Read hit it off like long lost sorority sisters and the party was on. Read is just great...very cute, witty and lots of fun.... I knew this about her already though, I'm not sure how but I just kinda knew it. Unfortunately, I began imbibing about noon on that day, was at the Cat's Meow drinking Hurricanes at 2, Read shows up at like 3 and the evil bartender at said establishment over served me from that point forward. I vaguely remember certain details about the evening the last of which is waking up in the hotel room with Theresa and Read taking funny pictures of me passed out. I forgave them because they did the man work of finding our luggage downstairs while I recovered. I did not pace myself....end of story.

Read did some singin' and dancin'....here are a few videos for your enjoyment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRUlHehW8n8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiOCWxJIwB0

She says this will be her first and last time......doubtful by the look of things huh?

I am proud to report that I have joined Crossfit and am going through the "fundamentals" phase of getting back in shape. Squats are evil and I can barely walk right now but I'm motivated and I enjoy it so far. It has a military type feel to it and I'm very familiar with that......gotta stick it out.

I know my blogging hiatus is just wrong but I still love you guys! I love ya! Especially Theresa! Love ya Theresa! Don't be mad at me. As you all well know....I'm just a guy.

Global Warming

This is what SW Louisiana will look like soon if we don't get some rain. It is dryer than Ben Bernanke at a TARP legislation meeting. My water bill will soon be six figures trying to keep my plants happy. It generally rains in this part of the country almost daily in the afternoon....similar to Florida. All that heat builds up into thermal thunderstorms and presto....30 minute rainshower. Since Hurricane Rita in 2006...the weather patterns have shifted and we are high and dry....it's windy everyday, bright sun, and hot. The weather experts say that after a period of major hurricane activity many times it is followed by a dry trend due to the shift in the jet stream. Some people say it's Global Warming.....no it's not. Here is what I think of that, especially the Adam and Eve part:


http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CBwQtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DI_kODETmro8&rct=j&q=will%20ferrell%20global%20warming&ei=jHKtTd3-GejZ0QGKrZnDCw&usg=AFQjCNFvoEyRHmDLPgbbsEWs5dRA0VuZgQ&sig2=EpkqRn-4Q3_W0ah9ll8cfQ&cad=rja




I hope everyone had a great weekend. I have my final safety inspection of the fiscal year at my facility today......it's been hectic getting ready but I feel good about it. My weight loss and workout efforts are not going well.....but that is another blog entirely. Theresa and I will be going to NOLA shortly for JazzFest where we will meet the great blogger Read. It should be a great time!

Feelings

I told Theresa that she blogs about her feelings too much. First off.....BIG mistake....I know better than that but I slipped up. Secondly, she said "Maybe you should blog about YOUR feelings more Mr. Psychotherapy and stop worrying about my damn blog!"

Theresa: 1...John: 0

She's right, the blogs in this group really are about emotions, insecurities, and feelings. I am pretty good at articulating how I feel with Theresa but it's not something that I correlate to my day to day moods or actions. It does affect these however, but I really don't acknowledge the root causes of having a
crabby ass day or bad attitude. I am generally very happy and cheerful....but sometimes I can be a bear. Most of these issues arise from a lack of control over certain situations.

Now before you stamp me with the "control freak" label....here me out. I have a great desire most of the time for harmony and happiness for everyone. Especially in my immediate family. I generally feel that I have a great and happy life and I want everyone around me to have those same happy feelings. Does that sound stupid? 
That all sounds good and well....but the problem is that I am convinced I have manufactured this happiness through hard work, choices, good decisions  (learning and not repeating bad ones), and the like. I am a fixer and a doer. One of the best things about Theresa is she loves this about me.  I don't chalk things up to fate, divine intervention, or just good ole' meant -to- be. I sometimes SAY I do, but I really don't believe it. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that everything may not be that simple....but I'm not there yet.

 I am facing some adversity right now with my baby mama and my daughter. I am divorced for a reason, and I cannot express to you the frustration that I deal with daily regarding some of the choices my ex makes in her life. My daughter is doing well.....she's aware that her momma isn't perfect....we talk about the issues frequently,  but I don't want her to ever view these bad decisions and just think that it's normal or right. It's nothing terribly bad or criminal....it's just not want I want for my beautiful daughter.  I try to insulate her from it. She is here at our house a lot but she doesn't have a dedicated space.  I have tried five thousand different ways to help or fix this problem and to assist my ex with certain issues including financially....but to no avail. Stubborn as a mule. It is a part of my life that is out of control....and I don't like it one bit. All of the boys live with Theresa and I in this super great happy home. My daughter lives nearby with her Mom....in Baddecisionville.

Theresa hit 59 today....time to start pricing some vacation homes in Ethiopia. Congrats T!

Have a great weekend!

Sundresses, stuck episodes and aliens.

Theresa just looks great. She wore a couple of sun dresses this weekend which are my absolute favorite female clothing option. She was smokin' hot.....I'm sure Hugh Heffner or Dancing with the Stars will be calling shortly. I would be okay with her in Playboy....I really would.....it's all about the great articles anyway.

Her band restriction is so weird....shouldn't it be consistent? She couldn't eat a thing on Sunday! It's like it has a personality....like the movie Alien when that baby alien burrows it's way out of that guys stomach! I'm just waiting for that to happen any day now.

That would be soooo cool.....except for the being dead and all. My theory would be proven and I could describe to my buddies at the hunting camp how it came out and attacked me....the vicious struggle as it tried to attach itself to my face. Of course I would eventually kill it with one of my many hunting weapons. I would seriously miss Theresa though. She would be impossible to replace so I would probably take her to the taxidermist and get her mounted in a standing "spirit hands" pose...or with a microphone singing. If I ever decided to date again someday....talk about puttin' the pressure on the new girl! Wow...former wife stuffed in the corner.

Aliens are bad.

Have a great week.....yes I know I'm morbid.

I'm back.

Not that any of you even noticed but I have not blogged in over a week. Theresa is pissed at me and has issued several stern warnings about my duties as a blogger and such. I got it...I got it.

I was really busy last week because I took off on Friday to fish a bass tournament with Theresa's brothers. We go every year for this tournament, this is my 4th time. They have been going for maybe 15 years or so. It's the Louisiana Oilmen's tournament at Toledo Bend reservoir and it is quite an elaborate production. All of the proceeds go to St. Jude Children's hospitals. There were 694 boats entered...at $350 a boat. Do the math....we cut quite a large check to those folks. They give away some awesome prizes (2 boats) and a lot of free stuff just for being there. We caught a lot of fish but were no threat to the tournament winners. We also drank a shitload of expensive single malt scotch while we were there.....which is what the trip is really all about! Oh yeah....and sick children...sorry. The brother's and I male bonded early on when I met Theresa and so now we are buddies. We do a lot together and they have really integrated me into their close knit family. I like and appreciate them...they're great dudes. This makes T extremely happy because they only would have invited her ex husband fishing to put cement shoes on him and leave him at the bottom of the lake. I am cautiously aware of this.....don't get on their bad side right? It's all about takin' good care of their sis.

I was however SO jealous of T's karaoke hen party! I love a good party at our house and I missed one obviously. Theresa is such a one-upper! I will get my revenge.

On the band front, Theresa looks great but she is losing her boobs. Boobs are smaller. Definitely smaller. As I conveyed in my earlier posts this is really not an issue because I'm a butt man. As the weight continues to fall I will be keeping a close eye on that body part....I have a "no smaller than clause" I will enforce if it shrinks too much. I ain't playin'.

Have a great Tuesday!

Pictures are worth a thousand words.

Some pictures of my flowers.....as promised. Have a great Wednesday! I opted not to post the possum (opossum for Amanda) pics....too gruesome.

 Pink knockout rose

                                           Amaryllis

 Indian hawthorne and amaryllis

                                              Clematis

 White knockout

                                                 House front

 Hannah Rae bottle brush (only 3 years old- 12" tall when planted.)

                          Grapes on pergola (notice dead soldier on table).

 Grapes on pergola

  Grape clusters (stop sign hidden in picture for all you Waldo people.)

This is me with a rare cajun Tessie Rose flower.
It kisses you when you feed it with wine and crawfish.
Very fickle flower though.....

Does this make my butt look big?

Theresa loves to use her ass as the butt of jokes. Hips run in her family..... when she gets to her goal weight she will still have hips. That is the way God intended her. I like.
She always makes jokes about it, and she seems perfectly comfortable with her body design.

Until she's not.

We were going out to dance and eat crawfish Saturday night and she was struggling with her outfit which led to a "do I look fat in this meltdown".
This is how it went down:

Her: "Do you like the red top or the black one?"
Me: " I like the red one, it looks great."
Her: " No it doesn't....it makes my ass look big and shows my back fat!"
Me (calmly): "I disagree....I think you look great."
Her (frustration in her voice):  'These jeans are too tight aren't they? You would tell me wouldn't you?!"
Me (super calm voice): "I would tell you yes, but they are not too tight."
Her (verge of tears): "No you wouldn't! You say everything looks good! I need a better mirror dammit...why don't we have a full length mirror?! I need a full length lighted mirror so that I can see what I look like from behind! I hate my haircut!"
Me (still calm): "You can buy whatever mirror you like tomorrow....but our ride will be here in about 20 minutes....I'll wait for you outside on the deck. Love ya."
Her: "Fine John....fine."

She wore the black top and the jeans. We had a great time. She was happy to be out amongst her Cajun people and to eat some crawfish. Her butt looked good. Just a moment in time.
For all you significant others out there, take note of my deft handling of a potential nuclear situation....not my first rodeo friends..... not my first rodeo.

I had a very productive weekend. I worked my ass off in the yard and got it completed. That task is off my plate. My plants and flowers are in the middle of their springtime burst so I'll put some pics up tomorrow. I also hit a dead possum with my mower that was stuck in some bushes by one of my trees. Neighbors dog must have got him and I didn't see him until it was too late. Scared the shit outta me. Nasty. I'll put some pics up of that too.

For all you ladies who went to NYC....jealous. Can we see some more pics?

Have a great Tuesday! Y'all look great in whatever you are wearing today....take my word for it.

The Pied Piper.

My wife is the Pied Piper of gay men. Wherever she goes...... they follow. Maybe it's the theater thing....maybe it's just who she is as a person or her great taste with decorating....but 99.97% of the gay men in Louisiana love them some Theresa.

Let me clarify that I am totally cool with that. I am a super hetero but not homophobic whatsoever. In fact, I prefer to hang out with some of them over my guy friends (you know what I mean). They are always fun and the life of a lot of our parties.
My Mom managed a cosmetology school for years so I was introduced to this lifestyle as a kid.....she broke it down for me early. I am a staunch Republican too.....so let's just break down some stereotypes while we're at it!
Theresa says that every girl needs a gay man in her life. Based on my experiences I would say this is probably true. Never have there been greater self-esteem builders for Theresa....they know how to get her head all swole up. They use words like ravishing, fabulous, stunning, spectacular and divine. It's three times worse now because of her weight loss. Aye carumba!

How and the hell am I suppose to top that?

I mean seriously, they come over and bring rare flowers, candles, gifts and such! I fuss at them in private about setting the bar so high! They totally fuck up the grading curve for me. They are compliment whores....and I tell them about it........and they promptly get worse.

I think I will just have to resign myself to it. The competition is just too tough.

Have a great Friday and weekend! It is Lent...so I fully expect all of you to fast, swear off alcohol, meditate, and stay close to home this weekend.
Or, you could just blow that off..... show up for the last Mass on Easter..... and you should be good.

Papa's got a brand new Blog!

Like my new digs?
Thanks to the amazing Jen I now have a properly adjusted and cool looking blog. I especially like my signature picture which I just noticed this morning. Jen offered her help and I happily obliged....what a great job she did.
Thank you sweet Jen!
Just goes to show you that men cannot do some things that women can. I told her to just take care of it and gave her my password.....BAM! Done in a day. I couldn't have done that in a year. It reminded me of a conversation I had with Theresa when we were redecorating our house after Hurricane Rita....

Me: "I'm really not likin' the colors in this room....they just don't work."
Theresa: "When you get titties and a vagina you can pick out colors....go outside."
Me: "Yes ma'am."

House looks great.....lesson learned. It's all about knowing your limitations.

I was happy to read my wife's blog post yesterday. It really has been an amazing journey so far. She pointed out that she wasn't happy in last years photo so I challenged her and said...."Hey, we've been married 4 years girl....what's up with that?" She explained that the unhappiness was with herself and for the longest time it caused her to question most of the affection and love I had for her. Looking back....that really made sense...pretty enlightening information for me. Theresa can get up in front of a room and do a standup routine but wasn't self confident enough to truly accept things in a normal relationship as they were. Those days are gone. But what if you gained all the weight back now but the relationship didn't change? Would you revert back? Food for thought. Feel free to comment on that one.

I get motivated following the exercise routines and excitement of all of you who have the fitness bug. That is just a great place to be at. I am trying to get there myself. Thanks for the added incentive. Friday, Jen.... my on staff blog designer did a VLOG about her breakthrough with running and endurance. I thought she was going to pee on herself....endorphins are a powerful thing. Keep it up.

I thought that I was King of Plants, but apparently after reading some comments, some ladies are growing the passion flower near the arctic circle or something. I guess maybe I'm just "Court Jester of Plants". I'm glad y'all don't live in my 'hood....it would be ON.
Tina, the Bougainvillea has been selected by mother nature for extinction. That damn bitch of a plant is so fickle....it's the skinny bitch of flowers. What kind of plant STOPS flowering when you take care of it? Mandeville's aren't much better. Poison it! I've lost mine to minor cold snaps 2 years in a row. 

What is the best way to comment on somebody's comment so that they see it? Sorta like a Facebook thread or something? Advice would be appreciated.

The weekend draws nigh my friends.....keep pulling your cart...you will get there!

Springtime!

Yes, yes it is upon us. I love plants and horticulture in general, so this is a busy time for me. Mulching, fertilizing and generally fixin' up my landscape is what I have planned for this coming weekend. I take great pride in my Casa and I must be competitive with it....my neighbors suck ass at landscaping....I remind them of it whenever I get the chance. If they ask me for advice on growing plants....I secretly give them wrong or detrimental information. You can judge me if you want, but having the best manicured yard on the block requires hard decisions. It is not for the faint hearted. It is all about winning people. Nice guys have dead azaleas.
This picture above is a passion flower. I knicknamed it the Theresa flower because she is VERY passionate too! This vine only grows in very tropical climates...South American rainforest to be exact. I managed to get it to flourish here, AND helped it survive this winter. You could not do this...because I am King of Plants....plants love me more than you.....do not forget this.....it is written.

Here is something else I would love to enjoy this weekend...crawfish! It is the season, and I hope to boil or order out some crawfish this weekend if the prices have dropped a little bit. If you've never had them they are LapBand friendly, high in protein and generally just delicious. I like them heavily seasoned and super spicy with crab boil. As my wife always says when consuming them...."Don't touch your eye or your junk till you washed your hands six times or so." Better advice has never been given anywhere.

Speaking of junk....yesterday Theresa and I spent most of our time texting back and forth about a girl we know. She has a high profile job. She accidentally posted a picture of her freshly shaved howyacall to her Facebook wall. It was up for and hour or so.....got like 20 comments. She finally took it down and said that she had been hacked.....but it was sent from her Blackberry and it was definitely a cameraphone picture. Luckily, her face was not in it......I HOPE she was trying to send it to her husband!
Ahhhh...the perils of social media.

Take a moment today to think about or pray for the people of Japan if you already haven't. Once our mortal enemy, they now are one of our greatest allies.....I expect our help to them will lead all nations....as it should.

I'm Listening!

Skinny girls are overrated.

That's right...I said it.
Throughout the process of Lap Band surgery and subsequent weight loss with Theresa, I have frequently pondered the thought of being married to someone who will now be thin.
Been there, done that. Got my t-shirt cut up. (No seriously, one time she cut up my shirts in a screaming skinny bitch hissy fit.) Skinny girls are just mean!
If there is one thing I have discovered through trial and error.... it is that I love voluptuous women. I earnestly believe that emotionally, physically, and even spiritually that they are just better prepared for life. There are also other benefits that are very appealing to me....but this is not a porn blog so just take my word for it.
I try to live by one of the mantra's of the great philosopher Sir-Mix-Alot : "You can do side bends or sit-ups....but please don't lose that Butt." 
Here's another gem: "Cosmo says you're fat.....I ain't down with that."
These words of wisdom have served me very well to date.
I think a lot of men feel the same way I do. I was very attracted to my wife before any of that losing weight talk even started.....I bet your husbands and significant others would say the same.
I see some amazing transformations out there in the blogs I follow. Sometimes it's really hard to believe actually. I also have it going on right here at home with Theresa's success.
Soooo......as all of you turn into skin and bones, remember that cutting up people's shirts is NOT cool so pick a goal weight that will prevent this please.
Your husband's will thank me.

I'm Listening!

Negligent Blogger

I have been so busy and haven't been able to update. I committed to blogging regularly and in the immortal words of Matt Foley....I promise to "get back on the right track"!

Theresa has been full of cheer and comfortable with her band lately. Moving right along but I'm not sure what her weight loss total is at the moment...I think she should get one of those sliding scales on her blog...don't you? Please tell her this!
Here she is dancing on the float with me before the parade last night, brought to you by that little box of magic called the iPhone4:

I hope you enjoy the Cajun music......singing about stolen chickens and all. We both got drunk and had a great time despite a little rain. Like I said...Pearl the band is just fine with the white wine.I hope everyone has a great Wed-nes-day, I will blog in greater detail tonight.
Here is another video during the parade.....you get to be virtual bead throwers for a day!:

Cottage Cheese

I sure do. As I embark upon my weight loss plan I will be eating a lot of it. It's packed with all kinds of good stuff. I've been eating it since I was a kid, it was always around.
My Dad loved it. Well, he just loved food.  He grew up in a coal mining camp in the Depression, pretty much homeless and hungry. He liked to eat it with baked beans....that's just wrong. He would also regularly eat an entire, eye watering, yellow onion like an apple. He was a freak...but he was rail thin. It was probably the cottage cheese...which everyone knows was in abundant supply in the early 1900's labor camps.
There are many different forms of said cheese: Raygula (my cool way of saying regular), lowfat, non-fat, large curd, small curd, and pre-mixed with various shit.

I prefer small curd regular. I grew up in Amish country so I was born with the knowledge that the small curds are created by adding more rennet, a type of yeast that makes it curd. Curd is a flat out nasty word...right up there with some of my other hated words like smegma. Large curd lowfat is very watery and I dislike the texture. It is probably much like the curds and whey eaten by the now famous Little Miss Muffet. I am convinced that Little Miss Muffet was a coal mine town slut who used curds and whey to attract young hungry guys like my Dad into getting with her. Don't you even think for one minute that some of these nursery rhymes didn't have alternate meanings my friends!
I cannot eat my cottage cheese with anything sweet. No fruit, honey, sugar..whatever. No sweetness, it's nasty.
I like it with some Tony Chachere's on it, with a few crackers. Delicious.

Here above is the least desirable form of cottage cheese. No one likes this type.  This is actually Brittany Spears' brand...which is VERY expensive and EVERYBODY has tried it so it's no big deal. Don't waste your money. You can thank me for the tip later.
This has been a small trip inside of my brain. I hope everyone has a great Wednesday! I am earnestly working on the commentphobia...I made a comment on a blog yesterday. It was like 4 words.....baby steps.

I'm Listening!

Weekend Remix

TessieRose was great this weekend. She battled through her head cold and looked fantastic Saturday night as Dutchess Angelica XVIII. I was proud of her...and it was a special time. Tessie has been in the Krewe for 20 years, it was finally her time. I'm not sure about the name Angelica though......not really fitting. Perhaps Dutchess Savannah...or maybe Dutchess Pebbles. I also like Dutchess Skye......I won't get into the reasons these names would be more suited for her.....not appropriate for this blog and I don't kiss and tell.
I am formulating a plan to shed some pounds and get fit. I know what to do and am committed to executing and maintaining it. It's way overdue....not to mention summer is around the corner. Summer in Louisiana + extra weight on your ass= Misery. No thanks.
Blogging Update! I have been reading lots of your blogs lately.....I find them to be fascinating not just from the LapBand perspective but in general. What I find most interesting is the sense of who each person is through the written word. I have looked at a few Vlogs and been tickled that they were just like I thought they would be. I just find that to be cool....maybe I'm weird. I also have a commenting phobia. I have made a sum total of 2 comments...both on my wife's blog. No idea why. I currently have a favorite blogger....actually a top three list. I have ranked these based on several data sets using my training in Six Sigma methodology.....that's bullshit....their blog content and personalities just stand out. They are real.
Don't even ask......I'm not telling who they are.
On another note....yesterday morning as I was leaving for work I caught the youngest boy peeing outside on our trash cans. He was standing barefoot, in his school uniform, peeing out from the carport. Reason given: both bathrooms occupied and it was raining....didn't wanna get the feet wet. Now, I don't mind peeing outside in the grass, but not on moveable property?
Soooooo.........you guessed it. Full Metal Jacket.
Have a great day!

I'm Listening!   

Full Metal Jacket

My wife is a pleaser and nurturer. The Lap-Band was a big step and choice for her because it was just about her. She spends a lot of her time trying to please others and make them happy. Especially our kids. They are spoiled by this treatment and take advantage of her desire to make sure that they are fed, clothes washed, and generally ta-ta'd as much as possible. Don't get me wrong, it's been great for my son who loves her to death. And my daughter really has learned to be a lady and what is and isn't appropriate. Her boys have always had it, so it's what they think is normal.  Overall it's healthy I think, the kids trust her and have great relationships with her. I call her Indulge-O........because anything goes.
"Hey Mom, we wanna build a fire on the roof!?"
"Okay boys! But be careful and wear a hat...I don't want anyone getting sick!"
But you gotta have balance right? Enter the Equalizer.....that's me above....Full Metal Jackets' Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (without all the nasty language, and hitting of course) ....at least with the boys. I struggle being the disciplinarian with a girl, it's just not in my nature.
But the boys.....look out. I joined the military at 17 and that was my family for 12 years or so. I can't be fooled, tricked, or bullshitted. I feel obligated to make sure they understand that their Mom can't do it all forever. That it is disrespecting her to leave their chores to be done by her kindness. I think it is who they will become as men. I force them to help, especially when Theresa has a lot on her plate. They know that if I come through the door in the evening and they have trashed the kitchen.....it's on. Full Metal Jacket.
Destroy your room...Full Metal Jacket.
Leave all your stuff all over the place...in the trash can....and Full Metal Jacket.
Give your Mom shit......Full Metal Jacket.
Last night Theresa was feeling sick but they kept bugging her for stuff......you guessed it.....FULL....METAL....JACKET.
I think we have achieved a state of Zen with the kids because of this balance, but they are teenagers...and must be monitored closely. They can smell fear.

I hope everyone has a great weekend....it certainly has been a long week here. I wish upon all of you happiness, no stuck episodes, and the ability to eat your shoe if you want to on Saturday night! But then back to being real tight on Sunday......it's all about balance ladies!

I'm Listening!

The Man Shed.

I don't have a man cave...it's a shed. It's a prefabbed 10X20 shed built by the Mennonites in Texas, which is  equivalent to the Amish fireplaces you see on TV......quality craftmanship and all that mumbo jumbo.
I insulated the shed, ran electricity to it my DAMN self, and I air conditioned it as well. In this shed I have my workshop and power tools, my collection of saws, and a lot of my hunting gear. I can pull my mower or 4 wheeler in there if necessary to work on them. I also have...wait for it...wait for it.....a satellite dish and flat screen in the shed. It is also well within WIFI range of the house, so internet is no problem.  It is Heaven on Earth. I would have sex with the shed if I could.
I know it sounds stupid, but it's very important for me to be able to go there and tinker around and be alone sometimes. It reminds of my childhood. I balance it, and I am keenly aware if Theresa starts giving me the subtle signs that I'm spending too much time out there, here's an example: "It's time for you to get the fu%# out of the man-shed and help clean up we are having a party tonight damnit!" These are not easy signals to read,  but I manage to stay in tune with her needs fairly easily.
Anyhow ladies, men need that manly place to go to contemplate life's great journey and whatnot. Don't deny them that...just give them that subtle little nudge when they go too far with it.

I'm Listening!

Livin' with Lifetime.

The first time I ever really talked to Theresa she was balling at her office. I had made a sales call on one of her brothers and she was having a meltdown in the next room. Ex-husband problems. I  knew her from our children's school but not personally.  I was sympathetic and I gave her my card and let her know that if she ever needed to talk that I had been through it too. She emailed me the next day and the rest is history as they say.
During our courtship I nicknamed her Lifetime....like the drama channel. Whenever you turn to it they are either fightin' or fu#$&*' on there. One or the other.....and the name stuck.

Theresa had no self-esteem at that time, cried at the drop of a hat, and generally let everything she couldn't control....control her.
 She is so different now in that aspect.....especially since the lap band and weight loss. She is much more self confident and in control of the situation. But I have noticed that various people in her life test this new person continually to see if it's just a facade she has put up or if it's the real new her. They always seem to be unhappy people, posers, and professional shit stirrer's that thrive on misery. I think God puts these people in front of us to keep us grounded and thankful for our own happiness. But sometimes, they can get to you. We have all been there. I think you have to just step off and avoid them.
So....be happy out there people....keep on keepin' on and follow the Golden Rule. I see a lot of great support and dialogue on here between bloggers. Frankly, it's refreshing....there are so many negative people out there.

Theresa has hit a new milestone and is now lighter than me by several pounds.....I wonder what it's going to be like being the "husky" balding husband married to the supermodel?

I think I'll call Billy Joel and ask him.....

I'm listening!

I have food issues too.

I'm not as bad as this guy but I can put it away. When I was young I could eat whatever I wanted. I was athletic, burning A LOT of calories, and so the more the better. I joined the military at 17 and for the next 15 years exercise was not an issue. The more the better. I remember being deployed for Desert Storm, we had a makeshift weight room at our camp out in the desert. A buddy and me (I?) would get a loaf of bread and make it into PB&J sandwiches....we would stuff them back into the bread bag and eat all of them in one day between workouts. We would also eat as much as we could at the other three meals as well. The more the better. That's like 7 gajillion calories....but I had washboard abs. Go figure.

Things have changed. No more Army, a lot of time at the desk, and by the way....I am married to one of the most fabulous cooks ever. When I met Theresa I was a batchelor, with a batchelor pad, and batchelor food items: Crackers, lunch meat, beer, and of course beer. The meal selection is slightly better now I would say.
Theresa loves to cook but mostly she enjoys watching people enjoy what she cooks....the boys and I are happy to oblige! But, it's going straight to my ass now. Our boys unfortunately are just like me at that age.....the more the better. I know what's coming for them and I remind them occasionally....it falls on deaf ears, just like me back then.

I am currently 215 pounds, the heaviest weight in my lifetime. I exercise inconsistently and I know better but....my old eating habits are ingrained. It is so tough to break out of that. I have a feeling that it will always be a struggle.

Theresa and I have been trying to make some better choices and since the lap band we have been sharing meals a lot which is great for me. Our schedules conflict on the exercise, it's not as much fun when we can't go together. Excuses, excuses!  I just need to put my big girl panties on.....I just need to get my ass in gear and do it! Yeah! I am not gonna eat for 2 days starting tomorrow!

Whatev.

I read Theresa's post yesterday. That friend is full of shit most of the time......Theresa knows it. I am very proud of the way Theresa has handled her emotions since her choice for weight loss surgery. Batshit crazy is A-OK with me.....just please stop cooking for me.

I'm Listening!

The Almost Mardi Gras beatdown.

What a great weekend we had. Party, party, party. We are close friends of the newly anointed King of one of our Mardi Gras Krewe's, so we had to stick with him throughout the weekend. He and his wife spared no expense and we alternated between the new local hotel and casino (Lauberge' Du Lac) and the events center where the ball and presentation were held. Great food, wine, cigars...pretty much sensory overload. It was great.

Theresa was stuck most of the weekend except for the night of the ball. She was eating wedding sandwiches and getting her drink on pretty well. All was good! We were dressed as playing cards...the King of Hearts of course! We lined up in the aisle to hail the King and Queen, screamed and yelled, and shot off our confetti poppers as they were presented. The Queen (another friend of ours) began her walk and dance, she looked great......and then it happened.
A woman that my wife knows who was not in our group shot silly string from behind us directly into the Queens' eyes intentionally...it completely incapacitated her and stopped the show.

And it was ON. My lovely, mannered, and proper wife went batshit crazy on that bitch. Gave her a verbal onesided smackdown that turned my face red. I swear to you I thought the punch and hair grab were coming!
Everyone was looking at the girl....she couldn't even stutter out any coherent words. And then it was over.

But not for me. I wanted to get jiggy with Theresa right there and then! She asked me if I was mad at her and I said "Hell no! I'm glad it was her not me! Now let's go home right now and re-consumate our marriage."

I had to wait till later.

Is it possible that Pearl may be Theresa's little devil on the shoulder? Could barfighting and flashing blue lights be in our future as she loses weight?

Only time will tell.

I'm Listening!